The demeritted ferret inheritted the parrot in the beret's carrot...

One the most difficult to digest and highly unlikely things that people of christian faith tend to believe in is a second coming. At some point in the last 2000 or so years someone with a vivid imagination included "revelations" into an edition of the book. These revelations tell of prophetic occurances supposedly yet to happen. Now being that I was forced to go to a fundementalist AoG church as a child, I was warned on several occasions about the soon-to-come-to-pass rapture. What I thought was most strange was that I was also told as a child that if anyone claimed to have supernatural powers, like fortune telling or predicting the future, that they must be of the devil or a witch or satanist of some sort.. Then of course the bible has a whole chapter of Nostradamusian predictions, and the very fact that they claim Jesus to have had magickal powers seemed strange to me that they held a prejudice against modern people claiming to have a supernatural touch. The church I attended thought astrology and horoscopes were devilish. How hypocritical to have a "my superstitions are holy but your's are not" attitude? Anyways...for hundreds of years those of christian faith have used the "end times" routine into scaring heathens into worshiping their god. The dispensationalists of 190 years ago even plotted out a chart of what they think will happen. They even invented a person called the "Antichrist" as someone to point the prophetic finger at. Far as I can tell the Antichrist person isn't even mentioned in the revelations chapter. It all never set well with me. As a young child it scared the shit out of me, just like it was supposed to...but it never made sense. However a whole bunch of people all over the world actually believe in a coming apacolypse. Like a nuclear war, which could indeed happen, but not by a supernatural cause unless you count that the switch was thrown by a faith-head. These people even welcome it. They believe that it will be the grand finale when Jesus flies down from outer space and lands in a cloud to collect all of the buried skeletons, rotting corpses and cremated remains (good luck gathering up all of the dust JC), up into the clouds with him. Then all of those true believers will vanish and instantly fly up, up, up and away into outer space or wherever they think the afterlife is staged.

Several other religions have their own version...

1)The jewish think that they will finally strike all of their enemies down (get revenge), then ressurect the dead, then the messiah will come down to Earth and be crowned king.

2) The mormons think that Jesus will come back to the planet and land in Missouri. They will have his landing pad clearly marked as a yet to be constructed temple, relax, they have plenty of time. The mormons think that people on Earth only have 7000 years to exist, being that we live in the 6000th year, they have another 1000 or so to build a couple temples. The mormons then think that all wicked non-mormons will perish in fire. After that all that will be left are those that believe in mormon ideology.

3a) Suni Muslims think that Jesus will come back but will fool everyone since he is a false messiah (anitchrist figure)...only the true muslims will know the difference. Then a true muslim will gather an army to fight the fake-jesus. The "real" Jesus will only come back after they start fighting the fake-jesus. The second-second-coming Jesus will general an army to stomp out the bad guys...but that's not all, the sun will then rise up in the west and kill anyone that's left...then it's judgment day.

3b) The Shia muslims predict a whole bunch of political actions, a fake messiah and quite a few of them dying in Iraq. Then someone will rise up make a speach, raise an army and kill off the bad guys...then there will be peace, once everyone is using true islam as their religion...then after a while the dead will pop back up and be judged.

4) Zoroastrians think that there will be a great final battle, where the bad guys lose. Then for just three days leftover sinners will be punished, then forgiven as judgement day goes into full swing.

5) The norse think that all of the gods will fight it out, and rip the Earth and Universe apart, whatever is left of the planet will be ruled over by two gods and a ressurected one.

6) Heaven's gate followers thought that their two leaders arrived from heaven in a UFO in these end times...and that they would follow them back up to heaven in a UFO hidden in a comet's tail...most of them killed themselves trying to catch up with that comet.

7) Branch-davidians thought that David Koresh was a prophet and that he would be able to impregnate a girl to bring forth the "Chosen One". Koresh claimed to be the voice of god, so the ATF raided his compound and burned it. Have faith though, branch-davidians think that Koresh will return (second coming) 1,335 days after his death...well that second coming was supposed to happen in August or October of 2000, since it did not the davidians now think Koresh will come back to life in March 2012.

Of course I'm paraphrasing and abridging all of this, all religions have tried and proven source material to base the facts on.

In case you are a sinner and the christian god or Jesus leaves you behind, I found a survial manual that explains all of the horrible things that are going or about to go down, for the full effect don't watch this until Jesus comes back....



-A